In this week’s edition of the highly-irregular and too-infrequent-to-be-called-a-segment segment of Thursday’s thoughts:
- I’m 30, Y’all. Well, not yet, not technically, but almost. I can see the date on my calendar whenever I look at the month of October, and I guess more than anything I’m just hyper aware of where I want to be in the next 5 years and wonder if there’s anything I could have done to be there now. I know the answer is no – mainly because the birth of my son was the catalyst for this journey I’ve found myself on – but I still can’t help but feel like everyone else has it a bit more put together than I do. But then when I talk to everyone else they’re like, “no way, I feel the same way you do, I don’t have my shit together at all,” and that doesn’t make me feel any better it just makes me then wonder who is responsible for an entire generation of people pretending like they know what they’re doing when they have no idea.
- I’m also really going through it. And by it, I mean everything. Adam is teething, which I’m pretty sure is just the state of any fresh human from the age of just-born to maybe around 2 years. I actually got really lucky with him as a newborn because he was pretty easy, as long as I followed my instinct of just popping out the boob whenever he wanted it (which I did!). There have been phases that have been more challenging than others, but it seems like now-me would go back in time not to tell then-me that it gets easier, but instead that it actually gets a LOT harder so to stop crying. (Kidding. Kind of.) The hardest part about having him as a newborn was just the fact that I had never done it before, and the PPD and PPA kicked me down a notch or twenty, too. So, here we are, sleepless nights, nursing strikes, days spent with a fussy baby attached to me, wishing I would take away his pain. Another part of that ‘it’ is personal, as I am definitely in the middle of a life lesson, and I know that because it’s uncomfortable as hell. Without unpacking the whole thing here (because I wouldn’t even know where to start at the moment, honestly) I will just say that the mantra, “everybody gets what’s meant for them,” has been on repeat, and not in a psychotic, hope-karma-kicks-your-ass way.
- Part of what made today easier than the last two days, even though Adam has been the exact same totally un-chill kid is that I lowered my expectations and just enjoyed the moment, even when the moment was a screaming baby who wanted to be held without being touched. Today, I wasn’t shocked when he woke up at 7 am (after sleeping at 1), and I didn’t expect him to nap as easily as he did before teething pains took over his life, so I didn’t find myself as frustrated as I’ve been when he finally did nap (8 hours later…) I think part of what can be really challenging as a new mom (and maybe as an experienced one, too) is the ideas that we have in our head, particularly the one that we can maintain some kind of similar life to what we had before kids; we can’t expect to be able to cook, clean, self-maintain, and socialize the way we used to because that’s just not practical. I find myself getting the most upset at the 2-hour go-the-F-to-bed routine when I have something else I expected to do. Instead, I try to be present and understand that the needs of my baby will change so quickly and frequently – and that they are actual needs! – and postpone whatever else I had in mind until he’s settled. It’s not necessarily being patient (because I suck at that), but more so letting go and just going with the flow.